Sifting through the ashes of Venus.

When I was a teenager I changed the pronouns in the hymns we sang in church each Sunday so that I could refer to god as "she". I felt that there was a lot of misogyny in my family, church and life and it was what I needed not to freak out in the middle of the conservative church my parents forced me to attend.

Nonetheless, I shuddered last year when I found myself singing the words to an old hymn my family sang in church, but substituting the name of the starring deity. That happened during the ritual at last year's Fires of Venus, a pagan sexuality event where I sold kilts, corsets and sexuality products at a great campground in Maryland. But the shudder was momentary, and possibly exhilarating and before long I was singing my heart out.

FOV 2009 was as incredible as last year, but different. More structured. More intense. More powerful, at least so far as the ritual energy raised each and every night for three consecutive nights, thanks to the tireless efforts of event staff, volunteers and organizers who created an incredible infrastructure for attendees to work on individual magick.

Repeat visits to temple priestesses and priests, dancing around the fire, putting sacrifices into the cauldron, performing an extended ritual flogging, watching the Goddess brightly in spite of rain to singing, dancing and connecting with lighted candles indoors all filled me with a level of energy I haven't possessed of late. Reminded me of the gratitude I feel for the people in my home and life. Assured me that I have already succeeded in manifesting my dreams. Allowed me moments of possession around the fire. Exhausted me. I experienced many joyful and personally painful moments in the circles catharsis was mine if not connection to others. But I felt just great on my own in the circle.

This morning was difficult in many ways. All that dancing, poi practice, and flogging action left me quite sore and slow as I packed up my gear from the camp store and fit most of it into my truck. The great people in my life had my back, though. Feeding me french toast in the morning, moving my stuff outside for me and even hauling the last few items back home.

I was looking forward to sharing some of the weekend's many gifts with my family, but it didn't quite happen as planned. Has Mercury gone direct yet? No major catastrophes, thanfully the people for whom I am grateful took care of issues at work and home, but again I am alone, as I was all weekend.

I still am learning the lesson whispered to me by the priestess of secrets: Learn to love myself, and I will never be alone.

I have myself and I to keep me company. And my dogs. And the candle from Saturday night's ritual reminding me that another weekend is planned for Beltane.